Mar 13, 2013

Ready to Share

I'm ready to share a bit about the last week.  I'm also afraid that if I wait too long to write this stuff down, I'll forget.

Last Wednesday, I had a Dr. appt.  Just a routine check up for baby, I was just over 15 weeks along.  There was no heartbeat.  After two sonograms, they confirmed that our baby had died.  Jacob and I decided to go into the hospital to deliver the body the next morning.

I was given a drug that softened my cervix and cause what was in my uterus to pass.  It took about 7-8 hours, and it caused some heavy cramping, but otherwise was mostly painless. 

Thursday was a very surreal day.  Lots of resting and waiting for things to start happening.  We had both cried so many tears the day before that we were just introspective most of the day.  The nurses were patient and gentle and wonderful.  One was a good friend and I know she was praying the whole time.

They told me the baby would come out quickly, and it did.  I wish I could have delivered him more gently or slowly, but I had no control over that.  He was perfectly formed.  His hands were beautiful.  Tiny ears, toes, and muscles.   Our sweet boy.  We named him Isaac Phillip Engle.  5.5 inches long, 1.8 oz.  The hardest part was when we had to give his little body back to the nurses.

I have noticed a separation between what I KNOW and what I feel. 
I KNOW that Isaac is with the Lord: a perfect Father.  I feel so sad that I never got to be his mommy.
I KNOW the Lord never gets anything wrong.  I feel that this shouldn't have happened.
I KNOW that I don't need to know why.  The Lord knows and He has my best in mind.  I feel confused about why God would allow this.
I KNOW that Jeremiah 29:11 is true.  God has plans to prosper me and not to harm me.  I feel broken and sorrowful.
I KNOW that this sadness is only for a season.  I feel scared that it might not go away.
I KNOW that God loves me and has been caring for me closely through this process.  I feel so loved and even blessed by His goodness to me.  While He did not allow me to keep this gift, His gifts of salvation, a future in heaven with Him, and His constant love are certain and even more precious than our sweet Isaac.

Sometimes God spares us devastation and heartache.  And sometimes He causes it.  Either way, He is worthy of our worship and submission.  He has done more good for me than anyone else could.  Though He slay me, I will hope.  He is good and He does good. 

13 comments:

  1. Oh goodness, Emily. My heart has grieved for you and your sweet family the last several days. Your faith is such an inspiration to me. This post serves as such a testament to that. Know that you are loved and prayed for and thank you for the reminder that God is good, all the time, even when we don't understand.

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    1. Very sweet, Shiloh. I am so thankful for your prayers.

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  2. Emily,
    My heart is so broken for you and Jake. I'm so sorry I didn't talk to you today, but I just didn't know if that would be appropriate. I don't think any words will be able to make it go away, but you are such a strong, beautiful woman of God, and a true inspiration. We love you and your family, at the Price household!

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    1. Oops! I overlooked this one. Amber, it's ok that you didn't say anything. I was close to tears that morning and really didn't want to cry at MOPS. We love you guys, too.

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  3. Emily,

    I've been thinking of you ever since I read about your loss. I have asked some other mothers to pray and hold you in their hearts. They are women I met after losing my first baby in 2011. You are Isaac's mom. He is blessed to have you for a mom. I know you will always honor him, his memory, and his life, in all you do. I wish I could give you a hug. This is a pain no person should ever experience. Ever. Please know if you need someone to talk to about this, I would love to be that listening ear. I hope some day soon you feel peace again. Know you are not alone in this journey. Also, I have a friend who lost her son shortly after he was born full term. Her blog brought me so much comfort and hope during some of my darkest moments. It's http://lassoingthemoon.blogspot.com/ She has a two year old girl now, but her first son, Luke was born in January 2010.

    Sending you love, hugs, and peace.

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    1. Thank you, Laura. Your friendship is a gift! Love you, girl!

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  4. Emily,
    I've been praying for you in this time of intense pain and sadness. Even though your story is different from mine my heart understands a little of your pain. We lost our third son, Seth this summer just a few days after he was born. My heart is familiar with this tugging and pulling of my emotions and what I know to be true. Through it all I am thankful that I have something to cling to and that I can bring my sorrow, questions and confusion before him. Although none of it has been easy, but it's been a sweet time of getting to know my Savior in these raw, desprate times.

    I want you to know you will always be Issac's mom. Us loss moms get to parent our children in a different way than our other children and yes while it is hard, I have a sweet anticipating for heaven thanks to Seth.

    May you feel his constant love right now.
    Erica

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    1. Erica, I remember reading about that. I told my husband how willing you were to trust the Lord in the worst situation. I find a lot of strength in knowing about the women who walked through this well. Thank you for your encouragement.

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  6. Emily, my heart aches for you. I'm so sorry. The dissonance between what you know and what you feel makes absolute sense and is truly holy ground. I pray that you sense God in those places.

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  7. Just cried and cried reading this. I'm so sad for you Em. Praying that God gives you strength to keep clinging to those truths you know

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    1. Love you, Trace. Thanks for praying! I'm getting a bit better everyday. =)

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