Ready to Share

I'm ready to share a bit about the last week.  I'm also afraid that if I wait too long to write this stuff down, I'll forget.

Last Wednesday, I had a Dr. appt.  Just a routine check up for baby, I was just over 15 weeks along.  There was no heartbeat.  After two sonograms, they confirmed that our baby had died.  Jacob and I decided to go into the hospital to deliver the body the next morning.

I was given a drug that softened my cervix and cause what was in my uterus to pass.  It took about 7-8 hours, and it caused some heavy cramping, but otherwise was mostly painless. 

Thursday was a very surreal day.  Lots of resting and waiting for things to start happening.  We had both cried so many tears the day before that we were just introspective most of the day.  The nurses were patient and gentle and wonderful.  One was a good friend and I know she was praying the whole time.

They told me the baby would come out quickly, and it did.  I wish I could have delivered him more gently or slowly, but I had no control over that.  He was perfectly formed.  His hands were beautiful.  Tiny ears, toes, and muscles.   Our sweet boy.  We named him Isaac Phillip Engle.  5.5 inches long, 1.8 oz.  The hardest part was when we had to give his little body back to the nurses.

I have noticed a separation between what I KNOW and what I feel. 
I KNOW that Isaac is with the Lord: a perfect Father.  I feel so sad that I never got to be his mommy.
I KNOW the Lord never gets anything wrong.  I feel that this shouldn't have happened.
I KNOW that I don't need to know why.  The Lord knows and He has my best in mind.  I feel confused about why God would allow this.
I KNOW that Jeremiah 29:11 is true.  God has plans to prosper me and not to harm me.  I feel broken and sorrowful.
I KNOW that this sadness is only for a season.  I feel scared that it might not go away.
I KNOW that God loves me and has been caring for me closely through this process.  I feel so loved and even blessed by His goodness to me.  While He did not allow me to keep this gift, His gifts of salvation, a future in heaven with Him, and His constant love are certain and even more precious than our sweet Isaac.

Sometimes God spares us devastation and heartache.  And sometimes He causes it.  Either way, He is worthy of our worship and submission.  He has done more good for me than anyone else could.  Though He slay me, I will hope.  He is good and He does good. 

Halloween and More Fall Memories

 Halloween:  I am not crafty.  So, I'm pretty pleased with how their costumes turned out.  Gabe has really enjoyed watching and reading the Disney story of Todd and Copper, the Fox and the Hound.  Also, Elliott loves dogs right now, so he loved getting to have doggy ears. 

We had a wonderful day on Halloween!  Gabe was SO PUMPED!  I kept telling him what we would do next, and he would say "But, THEN are we going to Lily's house?"

We started the day with Donuts.   This has been our routine when we go grocery shopping. 

(I am so weak for a donut.)  Gabe was pretty excited.

 

"Nonut?"

 



Then, we went to see Grammie at work.  She had some goodies for the boys and they sat right there on the curb to play with them.

 

And then, the culmination of the magical day occurred at our dear friends, the Gruens.  Amy and I dressed up this year, too.  Halloween is a BIG DEAL in their neighborhood. 

600 fundips were gone in under 2 hours.

 

It has been a very warm fall.  (80 degrees today!)  the boys have been playing in the back yard a lot.  I found this little guy watching the play.  Pretty cool.

We  have been hanging out at the cabin quite a bit.  This was the annual Hobo Stew party put on by Zion Church.  Wasn't the sky amazing?

Hayride.  Trying to keep our eyes open for the flash.

We bravely slept out at the cabin on a colder night.  There is a wood stove there.  Using the outhouse in the morning was a bit unpleasant.  We warmed up by taking a family jog up the hill to watch the sunrise.  Cold babies.

BIG BOY BED!  Expecting a tough week and lots of discipline, we put Elliott on a crib matress on the floor.  We started at nap time the day after we slept at the cabin.  Ell kept us up a lot of the night before, so he was pretty tired.  This would either work to our advantage or ruin it.  This pic was taken 5 minutes after we laid him in the big bed for the first time.

 

The night after went well and pretty much every night since.  However, Ell is an early riser.  We have had wake up calls between 5am and 5:30am about every morning since.  This is good for me, right?

 

Last pic:  taken this morning.  Shots this good don't happen much with these two squirrels. 

 

 

Blurt

I really wish our house would sell for about 48 reasons, but most importantly, because I want to have another baby.  There, I said it.

My status? Survivied.

If I had updated my Facebook status about every 30 minutes today, it might have sounded something like this:

6:00am:  There are some VERY loud banging sounds coming from the boy's room.  And I'm pretty sure Gabe isn't awake yet.

6:30am:  So nice to have a warm, snuggly 3-year-old cuddling on the couch while I do my quiet time.

7:00am:  Super Dad:  Ready for work, dishing up breakfast while I accidentally fall back asleep.

7:30am:  Gabe: "Oh...that's an owl?  Oh goooooooooooooosh."

8:00am:  Elliott thinks food makes the best hair gel.

8:30am:  Ahhh...the sound of a tub of toys being dumped out. 

9:00am:  It is a great aid to my striving for self-control that it's IMPOSSIBLE to watch anything on Hulu when it's not naptime.

9:30am:  "Gabe, I want you to get your cars out of the bathroom or you will wake Elliott up."  "But I want to SEE you."

10:00am:  "Gabe, we are going to the library."  "Oh!  I love the library."  "Baby Ellie will be there.  Would you like to see her?"  "Yes!....kind of."

10:30am:  Miss Cheryl is really earning her paycheck today.  Only the mommies are listening to the story.  I think she's doing the fast-forward version.

11:00am:  Forgot that I packed Ell's bottle to drink at the library.  Was wondering why he was so fussy.

11:30am:  If my 3-year-old wants to army crawl/slide around on the floor in the adult section of the library, I really don't mind, as long as he's quiet.  Not a bad tradeoff if you ask me.

12:00pm:  10 minutes after I asked Gabe to stay close to the deck while playing out back, I hear his drums being played in the garage...attached to the front of the house.

12:30pm:  Mommies, someone once told me to use a cheese shredder to shred apples for babies who can't eat chunks of apples yet.  I just remembered this today and Ell is DEVOURING his apple.  Thought I'd pass it on.

1:00pm:  I'll admit, I don't know what I'd rather hear these days from Gabe:  "Mommy, I love you" ~or~ "I need to go potty."

1:30pm:  Our house is showing tomorrow.  Please pray that it sells!

2:00pm:  Washing machine broken:  laundromat with two toddlers, or handwash?

2:30pm:  "Gabe, did you bite your brother?"  "He was pretending he was food."

3:00pm:  Forgot the detergent...another $.75 a load...or load the boys back up to go get it?

3:30pm:  So proud!  The boys are on their BEST behavior!  They love watching all these front loader washers!

4:00pm:  Out of quarters...clothes are still wet.  Good thing the dryer isn't broken!

4:30pm:  ‎1 box of Elbow Macaroni dumped out on the kitchen floor. I have not lost my mind or my temper. Truly only the Lord could have changed my heart so I'm not yelling right now.


5:00pm:  Dumbo cued and dinner on the table.  Is that enough prep to keep the boys happy for 30 minutes?  Gotta teach a voice lesson.
 
5:30pm:  Love that Zoe Cooper.
 
6:00pm:  Washing out the "hair gel". 
 
6:30pm:  Look at that boy go!  Elliott has been walking everywhere!
 
7:00pm:  Gabe must be exhausted.  He is being so naughty!  Both boys to bed early.

Only 15 more years...

Gabe will be 3 on Thursday.  I only get 18 years with him...and 3 are over.  Makes me want to step up my mommying.

And Ell is 10 months:  crawling, saying "uh oh" "dada" "mama" and once he said "thank you".  He nods his head and has clapped his hands a couple of times.  It's going too fast!

Busy Holiday season in full swing,  3 Thanksgivings last weekend, Gabe's party last night, probably celebrating with my family this weekend, church programs, then celebrating my birthday and Christmas with Jacob's families.  A little thing we like to call the "divorce shuffle".  We love being with all of our families...the best thing.

Life is so good.  I am so blessed.  The Lord is everywhere, loving us and showing us that He's watching and listening and he cares so much about us.  Do you know Him?  Do you know how much He loves you?

Yes and No

Saying "No" is a talent my two-year-old possesses.  I call it a talent, because I don't know how many self-help classes/books/workshops I have experienced that have touched on practicing saying that word.  Now, mostly, Gabe uses it to rebel.  He isn't using it the way I should...

Most often, he only says it to do the opposite of what I say.  Consequently, reverse psychology is a gem these days.  If I want him to say "yes"  I simply tell him "that's a no."  And he asks "Is it yes?  I say yes."  I know this isn't the best parenting technique.  But sometimes, I just do it because it works. 

Even though I don't use "no" the way I should, I don't use "yes" effectively either.  I don't mean when it comes to Gabe.  (I already admitted how faulty I am in using it with him.)

It's true that we should all get better at saying "no".  I LOVE a project.  I love planning, budgeting, and sometimes even completing a project.  I get excited about the possibilities and all that I could add to it.  I am blinded to the committment and work it will require and I say "YES!!!"  Wrong answer, Em. 

But I want to say that these days, I have been experiencing a true NEED to say yes.  It's when people offer to help me.  It happens all the time.  "Can I hold Elliott for you for awhile so you can take a nap?"  "If you need anything, let me know."  "I'll do your dishes so you can rest."  "Just tell me what you need and I'll do it."  "Would you like to borrow my baby seat and see if keeps Elliott happy?"
And I say, "No, thank you."  "I'm Ok."  "We're making it for now, but maybe later." 
Take one step in my front door, see the MESS I am in, eat the last minute meals I have been feeding my husband, or listen to my to do list and you will know that the answer should be "Yes, Yes, YES!!!"

So, what am I up to today?  I said "Yes" when Grammie offered to keep both boys ALL DAY and I am cleaning, paying bills, grocery shopping, doing laundry, cooking a GOOD dinner, and teaching piano lessons.  (And blogging...better get to work.)

Project: Success!

My house was a mess.  Like...the worst it's been in awhile.  I had to FILL my kitchen countertops with all of the dirty dishes to get them off of the table to do this project with Gabe.  But it was worth taking the time.  We had a great time making bird feeders together.

We had some pinecones we got at the park on Sunday afternoon.  I tied some strings to them.

Not sure how that string will hold up when the birds start tearing into these, but we'll see.  Next, we added some peanut butter! 

Messy!  Next came Gabe's favorite part.  I put some pretzels, almonds, and cereal in a big freezer bag and we used a hammer together to break the food into bird size pieces.

Finally, we rolled the pinecones in the food.  They looked kind of pretty, but even prettier tied on our tree.

 You should know that I haven't seen ONE bird on these.  But it has been dreary and rainy since we made them on Tuesday morning... I hung them where Gabe and I could see them while we eat our breakfast and lunch together each day.  Hopefully we can take some pretty bird pics to update you.  =)