Ready to Share

I'm ready to share a bit about the last week.  I'm also afraid that if I wait too long to write this stuff down, I'll forget.

Last Wednesday, I had a Dr. appt.  Just a routine check up for baby, I was just over 15 weeks along.  There was no heartbeat.  After two sonograms, they confirmed that our baby had died.  Jacob and I decided to go into the hospital to deliver the body the next morning.

I was given a drug that softened my cervix and cause what was in my uterus to pass.  It took about 7-8 hours, and it caused some heavy cramping, but otherwise was mostly painless. 

Thursday was a very surreal day.  Lots of resting and waiting for things to start happening.  We had both cried so many tears the day before that we were just introspective most of the day.  The nurses were patient and gentle and wonderful.  One was a good friend and I know she was praying the whole time.

They told me the baby would come out quickly, and it did.  I wish I could have delivered him more gently or slowly, but I had no control over that.  He was perfectly formed.  His hands were beautiful.  Tiny ears, toes, and muscles.   Our sweet boy.  We named him Isaac Phillip Engle.  5.5 inches long, 1.8 oz.  The hardest part was when we had to give his little body back to the nurses.

I have noticed a separation between what I KNOW and what I feel. 
I KNOW that Isaac is with the Lord: a perfect Father.  I feel so sad that I never got to be his mommy.
I KNOW the Lord never gets anything wrong.  I feel that this shouldn't have happened.
I KNOW that I don't need to know why.  The Lord knows and He has my best in mind.  I feel confused about why God would allow this.
I KNOW that Jeremiah 29:11 is true.  God has plans to prosper me and not to harm me.  I feel broken and sorrowful.
I KNOW that this sadness is only for a season.  I feel scared that it might not go away.
I KNOW that God loves me and has been caring for me closely through this process.  I feel so loved and even blessed by His goodness to me.  While He did not allow me to keep this gift, His gifts of salvation, a future in heaven with Him, and His constant love are certain and even more precious than our sweet Isaac.

Sometimes God spares us devastation and heartache.  And sometimes He causes it.  Either way, He is worthy of our worship and submission.  He has done more good for me than anyone else could.  Though He slay me, I will hope.  He is good and He does good. 

Ask and it WILL be given to you...

I can do all things through HIM who gives me strength.  Phil. 4:13

From the end of the earth I call to YOU when my heart is overwhelmed.  Lead me to the ROCK that is higher than I.  Psalm 61:2

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with EVERY SPIRITUAL BLESSING in the heavenly places.  Eph 1:3

So, when I read Jesus' words "Ask whatever you wish in my name and it will be given to you", I am really perplexed.  I mean, Jesus said it, so it's true, right?  Ask Him for anything and it's mine?  I can tell you from experience that this isn't how it works.  So, either Jesus was lying (definitely not the case) or there is something wrong with the way I understand this verse (a most probable senerio).

I think Ephesians 1 is the answer.  We have been promised every spiritual blessing.  This means that, without fail, I can ask God to help me with something in the spiritual realm and He will help.  The difference is that I have to change my prayers. 

Instead of, "Lord, please make this baby fall asleep."  I should pray, "Lord, please give me another 20 minutes of a clam, patient spirit, so I can gently rock this child to sleep."

Instead of, "Father, please bring someone along to buy this house."  I should pray, "Father, please continue to remind me that I have everything I need.  Give me a content heart."

Instead of, "Jesus, please give me all green lights because I am so late for this appointment."  I should pray, "Jesus, I have failed at being punctual.  Please help me to be gracious and handle my failure humbly."

The latter prayers WILL be answered.  I must be dependent on Him for everything.  I can gracefully walk through any situation with Christlike character if I am asking for His help.  I can be Christlike in ANYTHING through HIM who gives me strength.  He always answers when I ask for a gentle and quiet spirit, patience, grace to extend to others, and a calm response when my temper is rising.  He is so good and faithful to His word.

Only 15 more years...

Gabe will be 3 on Thursday.  I only get 18 years with him...and 3 are over.  Makes me want to step up my mommying.

And Ell is 10 months:  crawling, saying "uh oh" "dada" "mama" and once he said "thank you".  He nods his head and has clapped his hands a couple of times.  It's going too fast!

Busy Holiday season in full swing,  3 Thanksgivings last weekend, Gabe's party last night, probably celebrating with my family this weekend, church programs, then celebrating my birthday and Christmas with Jacob's families.  A little thing we like to call the "divorce shuffle".  We love being with all of our families...the best thing.

Life is so good.  I am so blessed.  The Lord is everywhere, loving us and showing us that He's watching and listening and he cares so much about us.  Do you know Him?  Do you know how much He loves you?